i need some help

[kiva]

Ok i need some help i rarely ask for it and i hate to ask for it but i need to know somethings.

Ever since me and my mate started dating i have been EXTREMELY overprotective, jealous, and distrustful whenever she goes out with someone especially a male im afraid that something is going to happen and then she will not want me no more. We get into arguements about it and its like she doesn't understand that i trust but to an extent that i know that is right in the middle.

when she goes out with our friends or hers i feel like they will want something phisical or she will, i feel like she will cheat on me. She did admit to yiffing someone online when she was mad at me but she doesn't consider that cheating but i do. that is why im so jealous because she admitted that she yiffed someone else and im afraid that she will do it again.

i just want her to show me that she won't do it again.

So can anyone give me advice, wisdom, anything about this and how i can overcome my distrustfulness, jealousy, and overprotectiveness though she says she likes the last one she just wishes that i would tone it down.

Kiva

[Sidney]

If YOU truly do not like how overprotective and jealous you are, then start trying to change it.  When you find yourself in the behaviors you don't like, do something else.  You have to will yourself to do other things until those other things become the natural action.  It's just like breaking habits, but you have to really want to do it, and you have to be as consistent with yourself as you can handle.  The more consistent you are, the quicker you will likely change your habits, but it is not the sort of thing that usually happens quickly, and trying to force yourself to change all at once can be a very stressful thing, so it might be easier to just change one thing at a time.  It's really up to you to decide what and how quickly you want to change any of your own behaviors.

It took me about a decade to change all the things about myself that I didn't like, so that now I am the person I want to be.  Much of that time was taken up with figuring out what the attitudes and reactions I wanted to have were, and slowly changing things as I gained confidence.  Knowing that you don't want to do what you do is not the same as knowing what you DO want to do, and finding the "do" that you are happy with is key to being satisfied with yourself, your personality, your attitudes, and your meathods of dealing with life.

.....*sigh*  Wow.  Reading back on that, I sound like one of those money-grubbing, self-help gurus I hate.  *smacks forhead*.....

On a slightly different note, there are a couple things you wrote that stand out to me, and tell me that this is probably not a relationship that is going to last.  If she cheated on you once, she probably will do it again.  You are completely justified in your concern if that concern has already been proven.  It would only be paranoia if she had never cheated on you.  There is an old saying, "Screw me once, shame on you.  Screw me twice, shame on me."  I truly believe that.

You also wrote that she doesn't consider online yiffing to be cheating, but you do.  That is a fundamental difference of opinion regarding what is and isn't fidelity.  Neither viewpoint is right or wrong, but it is one of those issues that can prevent a stable relationship because you cannot agree upon the terms of the relationship.  It will likely cause friction, irritation, frustration, and eventually bad blood as each person in the relationship feels the other is slighting them and placing blame when they feel their own attitudes and actions are fully justified.  It is also not something you are likely to come to an agreement about after a relationship has begun.  At best, it's like the white elephant sitting in the livingroom that no one is talking about.  At worst, it's cause for a War of the Roses.

Best of luck to you.

[SilverWolf]

Relax, hun. You're way to wound up in your paranoia. If you loosen the incredibly tighty leash you've got on this girl, maybe she'll see that you trust her and you two can stop getting into so many fights. Think about how she feels; she can't go out with her friends without risking a fight with her guy...and that's totally NOT fair to her. You need to back off and let her do her own thing. It's nonsensical to believe that she'll want to climb into bed with anything that owns a penis; women don't all think that way and I'm sure she doesn't either. No woman (or man, for that matter) wants to be given permission to go out with her (or his) friends.

If you can let her go out and trust her some more, maybe your relationship will stand a chance. If you insist on being so possessive of her, I can almost assure that you two won't have much of a future.

As for the online yiff...it's ONLINE. It's not real. Unless she's actually touched a REAL body part, I wouldn't give it much thought. After all, it's just a role-play.

To get some results in this situation, you're going to have to give a little to get something positive.